Golfer Grace Charis Is America’s Patriotic Cowgirl, Maggie Sajak Gets Tanked In Italy & Trump’s Golf Cart Rant

It’s our birthday. Has been all day. Since early this morning.

You’re drunk. I’m drunk. If you’re reading this, you’re most likely in a porta-john out by the beach, or in someone’s poolside shitter taking a quick break before heading back out and resuming your inevitable journey to blackout-ville.

I know. That’s a dumb name, but whatever. Again, we’ve all been drinking today, so you’re gonna just have to bear with me. I’m doing the best I can, because I’ve got kids running around down by the pool, my brother-in-law is hounding me to get my ass back downstairs and man the grill, and girls in bikinis on the back deck.

How the hell am I supposed to concentrate with all that going on, Doug?!

PS: the girls are The First Lady and her sisters. I wanted to sound cool and hip by saying that, but it’s just a bunch of moms, which – when you’re 31 – you respect the hell out of. My wife also comes from a hot family, so I feel like they’d appreciate that label.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah!

Welcome to a Fourth of July Nightcaps – the one where we celebrate this great country with Paige Spiranac rival Grace Charis and go from there. So … let’s go!

What else? I’ve got Maggie Sajak in Italy, Trump with an all-timer from the golf course, Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders living under a bridge, and maybe even a Dale Earnhardt Jr. cameo, because Lord knows we can’t celebrate the Fourth of July without an Earnhardt.

Last time I checked, this was America. I know it’s Biden’s America (Kamala’s?), but it’s still America, and we don’t ignore Earnhardt on the Fourth.

Grab you some sort of fruity drink that’s full of Red, White & Blue dye and settle in for a patriotic – and noticeably shorter – Thursday ‘Cap!